I’m tearing myself apart now. Into a million pieces I go. Obliteration into an ocean of stars. Some lands on Jupiter, and some on Mars. Some of me goes to venus, where love resides, an open shell receiving cosmic tides. And onto Sirius where healers await the brave voyagers who make it through celestial storms and black holes. And parts of me go to places I'll never know because they are too far to reach with our vessels breeching so many boundaries, but never finding other life. I guess it’s for the best some realms have rest in anonymity. For not every world is made for conquering. Maybe parts of my soul got too old for that game and found themselves a safe place to die, away from human eyes and appetites. Maybe it's time for me to dissipate into the heavens or the void. This world was only ever annoyed with my chafing truth and my obtuse notions. I never had enough devotion for their idols of gods. Wired to let go, I just couldn't hold onto the rails of illusions or the fragile ropes keeping constructs in their place. I never meant to stay this long anyway. I just needed a break after so much time floating in the abyss. I knew if I didn’t land, I might miss the chance to gather provisions and maybe a little bit of love. I never put myself above anyone on purpose, it's just the lightness of my being a waifish thing. Or maybe I’m only a dream. Perhaps it’s the memory of wings that beckons me to rise over lines and lies. I’m sorry I never made peace with sinking, I just couldn't get on with gravity in league with the weight of hate and the force of fate. Because maybe I’m made for something else. And any place can become a living hell if one does not belong. And maybe I’ve always known that if I stayed here too long, my body would reject it and I would be neglected by the world. Maybe I’ve outstayed my welcome and it’ll be time to move on soon, and my soul is heeding the call of the moon and her kin. And I will finally find my peace and place dispersed beyond the boundaries of space. Some of me in the light, and some in the dark. Some in the dreams of open hearts. Some in the creative spark of arts, and some in the shimmering arms of stars. Copyright © Sheyorah Naify, 2021
Author’s Note: This piece was written to help me process being neuro-divergent with a recent experience of painful social rejection and a lifetime of alienation, as well as living with chronic degenerative disease that makes it hard for my body to stay in tact, and often feels like I’m physically falling apart.
I know some of my work can be pretty dark without much visible hope, but it does help me cope. I share because I thought maybe it could help someone else. Thank you for reading.